Day 20: Breathe, Seek, Play...Making Your Mark

I have many captured art work treasures of handprints, and footprints...various sizes at various ages from my precious boys. Some are in the shapes of crabs, a reindeer and a footrprint of  duck...some I've framed and hung on the wall, and some are in a pile to scrapbook.   How fast they grow up...It feels like I just brought them home and I blinked and this year they are going to be ten!  From the moment they were born they took my breath away.  How much their ten fingers and ten toes grew, looking at their little shoes and the size 4 they wear now...the more they grow the more love fills up my heart.  I look at their room, which hasn't changed much since we've moved here, other than their beds and toys.  The Noah's Ark Artwork that hung in their nursery still hangs on their walls today. Their bedspreads changed from Noah's Ark to a Jungle Quilt.  Like their handprints and footprints it is growing with them.   I used to scrub the walls, clean the crayons, matchbox cars, or whatever they used to mark up the walls.  In their room, I scrubbed so hard that I found out the "squirrel tail" was not the original paint color.  Under it was a pale yellow and then I found pink!  It was the room color the original owners had chosen for their twin girls that once lived here and then their brother took over their room after they left for college.   For many years, I was OCD about cleaning and picking up after them.  They too love to keep their room tidy and neat and no longer scratch up the walls, but they do leave their handprints all over the stairway, by the back door where they take off their shoes, in the doorways where they swing  and fly into the kitchen....it is where they have left their mark. Thomas S. Monson said “Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future…If you are still in the process of raising children be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled, will disappear all too soon, and that you will, to your surprise, miss them, profoundly.”  ♥ I have chose to focus on the marks they are making and the love we are creating, that is what really takes my breath away.  I know as they grow they will continue to leave their marks on the world, whether it is a wall, or a doorway, in school, or at work....They may fade away over time, end eventually will be gone...but the Handprints they leave on my heart forever will live on!

Day 19: Breathe, Seek, Play....Roller Coasters

Today was one of those days that you just want to clone...no meltdowns, no whining, smooth sailing and easy going.  It's one of those day when nothing spectacular happened but was that is what makes it wonderful....these are the days when I will not kid you, I think back to what did we eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner...how can we recreate another day like this?  It's not a normal for us to have a day without chaos....so in a way today was spectacular!  I think the days that we have grown used to our imperfections that we almost want to throw a party to celebrate days like today. But the truth is our lives run on a roller coaster, there are ups and downs, twists and turns, and loop de loops....and we are used to that...And today was a merry go round...nice and easy, ups and downs, happy go lucky. It was a nice change from the normal!  Sometimes it's a breath of fresh air to get off the roller coaster once in awhile...because I know tomorrow we'll here the announcement overhead "pull down on the lap bar, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and enjoy your ride"....and who listens to that?  We all throw are hands up in the air and scream at the top of our lungs....and hope the safety bar will hold us in during the ride....Do you remember your first time on a roller coaster? Mine was the Rebel Yell at Kings Dominion.   The clickety clack of the track as the wooden cars climbed up what seemed like a mountain, only to plunge full force down a steep sloop leaving your stomach somewhere hanging in hopes you'll catch it! SWOOSH, and hair pin turns, left then right, so fast and unpredictable,thrilling and scary, not knowing when it was going to end.   Life is sometimes like that...It reminds me of the grandmother from the movie Parenthood...as she is talking to her son as he is complaining of a complicated life...she tells him "You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."  Grandma is right...as much as I love today's Merry Go Round...I'd rather be on the roller coaster.  There is something wonderful and comforting about the Roller Coaster.  Hunter Thompson sums it up best "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”  

Day 18: Breathe, Seek, Play....Read

 At the beginning of the year, we started off reading books at night together. I curl up on the bed and read a chapter or two each night to my little men. I've always enjoyed reading to them, and we usually read a short story, one of our picture books that I hope they will one day read to their children...but this year we started something new, reading chapter books, mostly classics, but finding books with meaning that we'd all enjoy reading, a family book. We started the year off with Charlotte's Web....and I cannot tell you the depth of emotion in reading a classic and watching the boys anticipate each turn of the page. I was so thankful that now we could read books that I would love to read again and we've  looked forward to picking out a new book to read once we finished. We've enjoyed so many books together and sometimes reading them with the boys it is as if I am reading it again for the very first time....seeing how  they embrace the story and the questions they ask, the way they pull their covers up entranced as if under the spell of the book we have chosen to read. Currently, we are reading Chasing Mavericks and the boys are so excited that they race up to bed each night and beg me to read one chapter more. They can't wait for me to finish the book so they can see the movie. My favorite part is sitting on their beds, reading them a story and hearing them giggle at the funny parts, ask questions when they don't understand, and their eyes dancing with images as if the words I am reading have found their way to the big screen in their mind. I steal these moments as I read, seeing their wide eyes darting....These are the moments that I will hold onto, and focus on....the late night snuggles, the pleas to have me read "just one more chapter"...I cherish these times. They say that children are made readers in the laps of their parents...I think that dreamers are made in the stories we share just before bedtime. I don't think there is a better way to end the night, becoming a child again getting lost in a book, a chapter read that makes your mind fill with wonder of what will happen next, ending with prayers with a snuggly kiss. "All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs. Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, "Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!" I think in many ways some of us are blessed and hold on to the Peter Pan syndrome....some of us never grow up, or at best we keep the spirit of a childlike heart alive, and in the bedtime stories we read to our children we hope to pass that gift along....Goodnight Neverland ♥ 

Day 17: Breathe, Seek, Play....Be Still

Today was a monumental day.....one that often comes around with dread, and year after year....put off, well at least for me, until this year.  Today was my annual "female" visit to the OB/GYN, but I use the term "annual"  when in fact it has been many years since I've gone to get my pipes checked.  Why? Well, stupidity mostly....my reasoning that is.  Whenever I was supposed to go, there was a vacation to Disney, Christmas vacation to VA, trips to Williamsburg, Birthday parties...and summers at the beach...My reasoning for not going?  I was afraid.  What if I got bad news?  I didn't want to be sad or have a trip cancelled if more tests needed to be run.  Crazy, yes...but that is how my mind works...I would rather go and enjoy my time not knowing if something bad was happening inside me...not knowing means it's not happening.  My doctor today did give me a hard time for waiting so long.  He said every year there is a summer or a trip...and I nodded in agreement and said I would be better about coming back.  That was until the mammogram...the tata smoosher...yes, this was my first.  I had heard horror stories about how they flatten and press them down with unbearable pressure (for you fellas still reading and have some how managed not to look away, this is equivalent to the "graze" that brings you to your knees curled up in the fetal position).  Well, in I went.  The mammography tech instructed me to go into a changing area...wipe off any deodorant and lotion and place the robe on with open part to the front.  As I exited the room I saw her quickly size me up..and she looked at the plate she had placed on the machine and realized she needed a bigger size.  I joked that "objects in my bra appear larger than they are"  She brings me over after changing the plates and then places some stickers on my areola areas so the radiologist will know, she ask if I have any moles as they would require a sticker too.  Then I get instructed to go to the machine and turn in such a way that thank goodness I could not observe what was happening.  Relax, drop your arm, bend your knee she says to me.  Then the pressure begins...and then more, and finally another before she says "there, don't move".  REALLY? Where would I go?  My boob is in a vice grip, I cannot even breathe, I imagine if I move that my breast will become stretchy like silly putty and I'll be pulled back to the machine by the elastic force!  Click and we are done.  Repeat the other side and I thought...wow, this wasn't so bad. And then she said, oh we are not done, we need a side view.  How in the world one can manage to hug the machine in a contortionist way, and get a good side view shot is beyond me.  You would think that with all the vast advances we've made in technology there is a man, or woman, who can invent something that would be able to capture the image without the smashdown.  I am sure the captured image of my face would have been priceless at this point.  And again, the pressure, increasing....relax...and hold it, don't move...I CAN'T BREATHE. Seriously, how do women repeatedly go back year after year to have this done? I am thankful that I could not see just how flat they could get my girls.  It isn't as bad it is sounds...but of all the things my "girls" can do...this is not one that I've ever heard many talk about openly (it's just one of those things that is understood). It's amazing what goes through your head when you are physically forced to "be still".   When it's all over and I go back into the dressing room...the tech tells me to be sure to take the stickers off carefully.  I laugh as I look for the first time in the mirror and I see the stickers with what looks like a silver metallic dot in the center...and for a moment it is as if I have pasties with piercings!  I get a great laugh out of this and for just a moment I thought about leaving them on as a joke for later!  I am shuffled from there to blood work and the pee in the cup part.  I told the tech there that if she told me I was pregnant she better get someone to catch me when I came out of the bathroom.  She laughed, but I was a tad worried when I came out of the bathroom and didn't see her in her chair!  I said I felt like I was a car on an assembly line.  Go here, do this, wait here, fill this out...The doctor told me that I was cleared for my 43,000 mile check up and not to wait so long before I come back to have my tires rotated. I about fell out of the chair laughing and told him I had previously posted on facebook about feeling like I was a car in an assembly line (my mother said you can let them check your oil but don't let them rotate your tires).  He laughed and said he wasn't taking any chances and ran a full panel on me just in case I didn't come back.  He told me he'd have my results in a few days and if nothing showed up on my xrays that I'd get those results in a few weeks.  Why do I share all of this?  Because it is important and no one should put off getting checked.  I have an Aunt and dear neighbor who are battling breast cancer...I know countless friends of friends and friends of our family that have battled breast cancer.  Some battled and were survivors, others lost their battle.  And the test I was avoiding in taking is the only way (unless you are find one in a self exam) to detect breast cancer.  Early detection is so important, and I know there are so many who are like me and have put the exam off for one reason or another.  The save the tatas movement needs to catch on...the exam need not be this fearsome test that I had thought it was...embrace the pierced pasties and laughter of hugging the metal smooshing machine that gets to second base not once, not twice but four times...and didn't even have to buy me dinner first!  Hahaha.  Seriously though, we need to focus on our health...eating better, exercise and see the doctor on a regular basis. And we need to keep each other in check about these appointments.  We owe it to those that have fought the fight and their family members they left behind who would give anything for them to be here.  I thought a lot about them in the moment I was told to "hold it, don't move"....and I couldn't breathe....How this test has changed lives, how it has impacted every fiber of their being, and the waiting, more testing, and treatments that followed.  I told the doctor this was what got me to come in this year to have my testing done....that the fear of being better off not knowing had been squashed...because the fear of knowing that if something was wrong that I could have prevented it or perhaps spared my family and loved ones from enduring the heartache without given the chance to fight and survive was greater.  So, if you have put off having your yearly visit....make your appointment and go.  We have to focus on our health, the appointments are simple, and knowing about our health and tests allow us to enjoy life and be grateful and thankful....moments to just be still.  The waiting part  will not be easy over the next couple of days and once I get my "all clear" reports....then I think I can "breathe" easier again...and by then I think my knockers will have reinflated and be back to normal again!

Save the Hooters!

Day 16: Seek, Breathe, Play....Surfing Daffodils

Last night I had a dream I was surfing...really surfing. I was out on a long board with my boys and I was catching waves. It was fantastic. I attempted to surf last year, kneed up a few times...and can tell you that I have utmost respect for anyone who surfs! It works every part of your body and is as much of mental challenge as it is physical. I know that my dream was preempted by reading Chasing Mavericks to the boys each night. We read one or two chapters and I promised that at the end of the book I'll go and get the move so we can watch it. There have been several quotes that have stuck with me as I've read the book "You better ask yourself, what do you want to leave behind? The truth of who you really are… or just some words on a page? All that stuff that's burning deep down inside of you, what is that? That stuff you can't even look at because it scares you too much." and "Frosty: What's going on inside of you, Jay? What are you afraid of? You've got a chance to change everything. Take it. This is about more than just surfing. This is about choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself or none of this matters." and "The ones who push the limits sometimes discover that the limits sometimes push back." - Frosty But my favorite so far has been tonight's quote: "You can fight things head on, or you can observe the laws of nature...Because if you look hard enough, there's always a way through it." – Frosty.....So odd that tonight's quote would come after taking my boys to the daffodil field for a very bitterly cold photo shoot. The daffodils, which normally "under the laws of nature" would follow the sun...but today they all had their backs turned away from the sun. It was bizarre to see and made for a challenging photo shoot but we were able to get through it. It was cold, the weather was not optimal for weeks, ice storms, snow storms...and torrential downpours have kept the daffodils at bay and even now they were fighting to bloom in a sea of yellow. And here comes another storm, more wind, rain, possibly a flurry or two? These delicate flowers have found their way against all odds to burst through the ground and battle whatever has been thrown at them to spread their happiness in waves of yellow stars splashing across the field of green. Why did they turn their back and defy the law of nature this afternoon? Just like in the book, Jay was paddling in the churning surf and was relentlessly tossed back onto the shore instead of looking towards the rocks and seeing the path nature had placed to make paddling out into the waves effortless. How many times in life have you felt that you were paddling and not getting anywhere? How many times have you tried and tried again but seemed to get tossed? How many times have you done things a certain way over and over again and when you finally stopped trying...and when you stopped trying.....you find a way through it. Sometimes you are trying so hard, that you sometimes need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture, to see that there was another way. And sometimes, you just stop trying and find what you thought was important wasn't worth focusing on at all. Like the daffodils that turned their backs to the sun...it isn't normal, but maybe they were turning to say hello to the moon? Who knows? Did it make them less beautiful? Absolutely not. Maybe they know more about where they are turning than the ones that that have studied them and determined their natural path is to follow the sun. Or maybe, today, maybe those daffodils decided not to focus on the sun....perhaps, we stood in field of thousands of yellow rebel flowers that said, we don't have to follow anyone...we can stand on our own, even as they stood together ;) Yes, I think those daffodils have found their way through many things, and in the end they found what to focus on. Just a little flora "food" for thought.

Day 15: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Count

Today started off sweet with Krispy Kreme for breakfast, an outing to Sam's, Dagwood Sandwiches for lunch...and a visit from my cousins this afternoon. We played board games and just hung out ♥ I made chocolate covered strawberries and we ordered dinner. We sat around the table and enjoyed a wonderful meal with my parents. We all overate...we were content to sit, chat, and had no reason to rush. We watched a movie with popcorn, and cuddled on the couch. That is how we spent today. Yesterday, my dad gave my boys a big tin full of pennies. The boys eyes lit up when they wondered how many pennies were in the container. They set out to count them, and decided to use their computerized piggy bank to add them up. One by one the coins would fall and .01 would add to their total. Soon they grew tired of repeatedly dropping the coins into the bank and then decided to go back outside to play basketball. Then, my mother, my father and I each took turns placing coins into the jar and at times tried to out do the other by getting them into the jar faster than the next person. We even guessed at how many pennies were inside the jar. We spent the better part of the afternoon placing pennies into a jar over and over again. As it neared the end...my daddy was the closest to the total. Something as simple as putting pennies into a jar brought many things to mind....a family that prays together, saves together....a penny for your thoughts...we talked about how other countries were no longer using pennies, and how some people use pennies (like covering counters, floors, etc) Sometimes an older penny would catch our eye and we'd check to see if it was a wheat penny or how old the date was. What does all of this have to do with Breathe, Seek, Play? Well, it also reminded me of a quote.....“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once”― Lillian Dickson...Life starts all over again tomorrow, no matter how today was spent. But tomorrow is not promised to any of us...what matters is how we spend it, focusing on what is important. Some may think that a penny doesn't matter, or that they've lost their value...I say time spent together is the the best kind of spare change ....it all adds up like those pennies in the piggy bank, each moment adds to the other and makes a difference, each one is different, some are older, some are new, some are bright and shiny, and some are dull, some are scratched and barely recognizable, and some are unique and rare...if you ask me the best way to spend the "coin" of life is to be with those you love...that is truly priceless!

Day 14: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Music

 Tonight we took my parents to a Street Beat Performance at East Carolina University.   River North Dance Chicago Company danced the night away, giving an example of the period dance for the decades from the 1920's until the present.  It was very interesting to hear the historical and social and how they impacted dance throughout the decades.  To see the dances was an art itself, some were traditional dances and others were more "interpretation" but none the less it was a wonderful performance.  I was thrilled to see a more "teenish" theatre experience for our boys, as I hope they will continue to love the arts and enjoy the theatre.  Even though tonight was centered around "dance"....I have to say as much as I loved that, it was the music that stole the show at times.  The dancers chose various pieces of music for each decade to dance to...some I knew and some I did not.  But I will say when they got to the 50's and it was "Rock Around The Clock", the 70's "Shake Your Groove Thing", then the 80' song choice was "Beat It" it was hard to sit still.  The music moved you, the audience clapped along (even did a hand jive or two) and it was awesome to "bust a move" in the theatre seat!   I have always had a love of music...all kinds.  Songs that I love to sing, songs that move me, songs that make me feel good, and songs that make feel a tad melancholy ....Songs that you play over and over again...Songs that get stuck in your head, Songs that you know the words too by heart, Songs that you make up silly lyrics to....Songs that are your favorite to dance too, Songs that you feel so connected too......but the songs I love the most are the songs that take you back to a place in time...and a flood of memories.  They are the best!  Do you have a song like that?  You know the one you hear on the radio and you instantly flashback in time, remembering with feelings and emotions.   You know the kind of songs that usually reside on a cassette tap, a mixed tape of all your favorite "play over and over" again songs that you never tire of (or in todays terms, the reside on an ipod) labeled "Greatest Hits".  I often have said I felt as if I have a theme song for various days or moments in my life, and some days I need a song to jump start my day or get me motivated, or change my mood.  What songs would be on your "greatest hits" album of your life?  Nicholas Sparks wrote "“Life, he realize, was much like a song. In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but it's in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile.”  I tend to agree....I say Let the Music Play On!