Day 29: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Imperfection

Day 29: Breathe, Seek, Play....Imperfection. “Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ― Gerard Way.

Elliott has struggled with his benchmark tests at school. He understands the concepts but cannot seem to score high enough on the tests. He's been given three tests and the scores have fluctuated with no rhyme or reason. As his parent, biggest cheerleader and advocate, I am not looking for perfection...I am looking as to ways to help him. That has been one of my biggest jobs ever. I am more on top of his school work and tests than I ever planned to be. It has made me a better parent, it has made me appreciate the educators more, and it has helped me to understand more of how Elliott views things. It is trial and error...sometimes more trials over things when we can't seem to find a rhyme or a reason. There are days when you wish there was manual you could just flip to page 52 and find the answer at any given dilemma. But there isn't, parenting doesn't come with a "how to" book...we all just do the very best we can. We hope we aren't screwing up, we fuss, we cry, we cheer, we sigh...we give it everything we've got and hope that we are providing for our little ones every need. Tonight was no exception, I joke all the time that I am surprised I am not bald....Elliott can be very challenging at times...the pull your hair out kind. He also can be the sweetest most caring and loving child, who is trying so very hard to fit in...in a world that he feels he doesn't measure up. He is sensitive, tenderhearted and feels things most of us never imagined. He is perfectly imperfect. He can be challenging and his struggles have molded me to be his greatest advocate. I will go to battle for anything he needs. From the moment he was diagnosed with PDD NOS, I said I am not knocking on doors for answers I am knocking down walls. I am a mover and shaker when it comes to my children. If they need something and it can be done, then I will find a way. They realize consequences come when they do not follow rules, but they do not understand when they are punished for someone else's behavior. You know, like in school...when one kids acts up the entire class is held accountable. Elliott struggles with this, why is he punished when he did nothing wrong. This is something that is difficult for him to comprehend. How much he wants to be accepted. How much he wants to fit it in. But tonight we had one of those Oprah "Ah HA" moments. We went over his benchmark tests from the first and second time he took them. This was the math version. I covered the answers and he selected each one...and he did amazing. We talked about his wrong answers. He shared how difficult it was for him to do "math" on the computer and that he could figure out the answer the questions on paper. I feel a wave of relief....WE have discovered what could potentially save him from feelings of failure in future tests. He also shared he'd like to take the test by himself as he feels it will help him. This perfectly "simple" solution sat beneath our noses, our schools faculty noses the entire time....his scores were not reflecting what he knew, but his voice could not express what would help him. So much trial, repetition, and uncertainty were lifted when he finally spoke those words. When he said "this helps me".....it is huge. In his imperfect scores we discovered how to better help him with future tests. You know it's funny that autism speaks has the symbol of a puzzle piece. How many times do you pick up a piece and turn it this way, and that way, and try to make it fit. Sometimes the pieces do not fit at first, sometimes you have to look for ways they can fit together. Then sometimes when you step back for a moment, you pick up a piece and it just "fits". It doesn't matter to me if all of Elliott's pieces do not fit, or if his puzzle is ever complete, the joy comes when we just find the pieces that connect...and we build from that and I find we are creating something perfectly imperfect!