Four years ago I had an IVF where no eggs were retrieved....yep you read that right...I was part of yet another statistic...a rare occurance in the IVF world....but in my hormone induced state, I went home and told my hubby...I know by my numbers that I had released eggs and lets do it the "old fashioned" way.....and I got pregnant....we could not believe it and neither could the staff at the RE's office. But I started spotting right away...which I had done before, and we were cautious....We had our miracle (assisted but unassisted...we had so much hope) but my little one could not hold on.....and our hearts were crushed. But hope endured even through the pain, and I have hope still.....And this is a poem that does capture how I feel about my losses....that I carry them with me, in my heart....


i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings