Four years ago I had an IVF where no eggs were retrieved....yep you read that right...I was part of yet another statistic...a rare occurance in the IVF world....but in my hormone induced state, I went home and told my hubby...I know by my numbers that I had released eggs and lets do it the "old fashioned" way.....and I got pregnant....we could not believe it and neither could the staff at the RE's office. But I started spotting right away...which I had done before, and we were cautious....We had our miracle (assisted but unassisted...we had so much hope) but my little one could not hold on.....and our hearts were crushed. But hope endured even through the pain, and I have hope still.....And this is a poem that does capture how I feel about my losses....that I carry them with me, in my heart....


i carry your heart with me
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Our ultrasound was this morning and we did not receive good news. It appears that our baby is in my right tube. We are devastated........a clear yolk sac could be seen in-between my right ovary and my uterus. Our doctor tried to get in closer to see if we could see a heartbeat flickering but we could not distinguish between mine and what could have been our babies. We are waiting for my beta count and we have to make a decision. I am either going to have the methotrexate shot or be scheduled for surgery. Either way, we will lose this child. This is my second ectopic on my right side. I don't know what to do, and I don't have a lot of time to think about it. I could have the shot, and because my last beta was 2144 (Friday), my tube could rupture and I would need surgery. I may be too far along for the shot to work at this point. On the other hand, I could have the shot and not have surgery but have a risk of this happening again (it has been 8 years between my ectopics). I could have surgery to remove my tube, but risks come with surgery.

None of this is fair....... this will be our 11th loss in our 10 years of marriage. I'll try and update as to what we are going to do. When I left the doctor's office, I said I wanted my tube removed......now I just don't know. Please pray for me!