Today we took Cooper, Elliott and Iris to spend a Day Out With Thomas in Spencer, NC. We rode Thomas the Tank and spent the day touring the NC Transportation Museum. We saw all kinds of trains, cars and even climbed inside a caboose! We had a visit with Bob the Builder and a magician while we were there. The kids all got Thomas "tatoos" and a certificate as a Junior Engineer! It was a lot of fun and the coach we rode on was featured in George Clooneys movie Leather Necks (which was filmed in Spencer NC).

Just wanted to share this here.......it's been 8 years since our first loss, which was an ectopic. I remember being told by our OB "congratulations" and then going into another room to look on a vaginal sonogram to see how far along I was and what was causing my spotting. It was then we were told that "something was not right". I would have been due this month......but as quick as I was told I was expecting......it was only a matter of minutes before that excitement was quickly shot down. I miss my baby :cry:

Longer

This is the anniversary, The one that I most fear.
Today, you have been gone, Longer than you were here.

It's impossible not to, Show cracks in my veneer.
When I realize you've been gone Longer than you were here.

It gets so much harder, With each passing year,
Knowing that you've been gone, Longer than you were here.

I still feel you around me, You always seem near.
How can you have been gone, Longer than you were here?

I think of all the things you missed, And often shed a tear.
Thinking how old you would be, If you weren't gone, but here.

I'm sure I'll never know why, Things will never be clear.
Why do you have to be gone, When you should still be here?

People just don't understand, An aching this severe.
Knowing that you are gone, And wishing that you were here.
© Sue Saladino 03/16/06

Our ultrasound was this morning and we did not receive good news. It appears that our baby is in my right tube. We are devastated........a clear yolk sac could be seen in-between my right ovary and my uterus. Our doctor tried to get in closer to see if we could see a heartbeat flickering but we could not distinguish between mine and what could have been our babies. We are waiting for my beta count and we have to make a decision. I am either going to have the methotrexate shot or be scheduled for surgery. Either way, we will lose this child. This is my second ectopic on my right side. I don't know what to do, and I don't have a lot of time to think about it. I could have the shot, and because my last beta was 2144 (Friday), my tube could rupture and I would need surgery. I may be too far along for the shot to work at this point. On the other hand, I could have the shot and not have surgery but have a risk of this happening again (it has been 8 years between my ectopics). I could have surgery to remove my tube, but risks come with surgery.

None of this is fair....... this will be our 11th loss in our 10 years of marriage. I'll try and update as to what we are going to do. When I left the doctor's office, I said I wanted my tube removed......now I just don't know. Please pray for me!

First of all my doctor called me and it was close to 1PM........so I thought immediately I was going to get bad news (usually good news travels fast and through the nurse).

My beta is 2144 which is a really good number.......normally good enough to see something on the ultrasound but we saw nothing but a really fat lining today. He did tell me that he has had several patients not have anything show up on u/s until their betas reached 3000. That made me feel better. I go back on Monday for ultrasound and repeat beta......if nothing shows up then it is most likely an ectopic (tubal pregnancy). We will deal with that when the time comes. Right now, I am not cramping, nor bleeding.

Please hold us in your prayers today and throughout the weekend and especially on Monday. We've never had a beta this high on our own before (our first ectopic was much lower) I know that HE is in control and has plans for this child. It's going to be a long, long, weekend! We'll be going out of town (to VA) for my nephew's bday so that will take my mind off of things.

Welcome to our Family Blog

We have some good news to report. Our second beta is 113 Praise the Lord......we are over one hurdle! That means my numbers have doubled and is a good sign. All morning I just couldn't help shake that I was going to get "the dreaded call" that my numbers went down. I just don't "feel" as pregnant as I did with our last pregnancy. The doctor and his nurse said the number was really good and I scheduled for an ultrasound next Friday morning. They think that I am around 4 weeks along right now. Please continue to pray for me and our baby.....I have a history of ectopic (tubal) and early miscarriage so this is one hurdle of many we have to get over. One good thing is that this is the only pregnancy that I've not spotted with....so I feel good about that.

I think I am still in shock.....and we are still guardedly optimistic. We can feel your prayers and are still comforted in knowing that it's by God's grace that this is happening.

Thank you for all your prayers, kind words, and responses. One of my favorites was "I pray that your hand is on this child you have created and know the days ordained for it. I pray the days are many on this earth and they can proclaim your name through this miracle baby" I have read that over and over again!

I have more good moments than bad these days. My body seems to think it is still pregnant.....I have a poochy belly as if I am 2 months pregnant. I guess it is still all those hormones! Jonathan and I feel that this m/c was a miracle, we never thought we could conceive again without ivf/icsi. We will be trying and just see what happens. We had been doing that for the past 2 years without any success, but I've been reading that I am more fertile now. I am going to try and not get on a month to month roller coaster of emotions and over analyzing every symptom. I believe with all of my heart that we will be blessed again. I just can't believe that I am sane after losing 10 babies during the course of our 10 year marriage.....God's grace is surely keeping me full of peace! Despite everything, I have never lost hope and seem to bounce back. But there is always that fear that I'll never see two lines on an hpt or deliver another healthy child. I feel so blessed that God chose me and Jonathan to parent our twin boys. They are more than just a blessing or miracle to us.....but it still doesn't make the losses any easier. Sometimes I think about those that have lost children of all ages and their loss is of a memory that they have of a face and times they had together.......and I get sad thinking of all the babies we've lost, wondering if they were boys/girls, what they would have looked like, what their personalities would be like and I get overwhelmed that so many of us have losses.......But I am so grateful for Hannah's Prayer forum because I know there are so many who understand and will not judge.....especially when my feelings are so raw at times.

Respecting that all losses are worthy of their own individual grief.

"I just talked to our friend Jane, she sounded pretty down.", My girlfriend shared with me over coffee recently.
"Oh, did she say why?", I replied. Not really thinking about it.
"She had a miscarriage over the weekend." My girlfriend sipped her drink.
"How awful. I should give her a call." I said, my heart sinking.
"Oh, I am sure she's fine, she was only 7 weeks along. Yeah well... did you want to go shopping this weekend?"

I don't care to count how often conversations like this one have been had. Why is it that an early pregnancy loss is somehow deemed ok to be minimized? Would my friend have found more compassion if this loss happened at 14 weeks? 28 weeks? 40 weeks? What are the criteria that a loss must meet before others deem it worthy of grieving and respecting?

Is this a religious thing? Does it matter where you stand on that question of when life begins? Is it a result of people's positions politically? Is it just a fact that unless you've been there too, you simply don't have any context within which to understand the crushing anguish that follows the loss of a child? The gracious side of me chooses to believe that it is the latter. I believe that generally, people just are not aware that they are doing so when they diminish a loss.

The moment you find out that you are pregnant, you don't call up your partner and say, "Honey guess what? I am carrying a fetus that is not viable yet, but will be in 28 weeks if we are lucky." You say, "We are having a baby." The second you see the positive result on that home test, or your doctor confirms with a test at the office, your mind fast forwards to a huge growing belly, maternity clothing, decorating the nursery, dreams and hopes about the baby who is alive inside you, their gender, who they will look like, what you will name them. A lifetime of these things passes through your mind in the first moments! You are going to be a mother and a father. You are going to have a baby.

For anyone who has suffered the loss of a wanted baby during pregnancy at any stage or as an infant - it is devastating. Period. Why is this heirarchy allowed to perpetuate that quantifies the value of our loss, and then sets a limit on the depth and the longevity of the subsequent mourning and grief? What can we as individuals to do dispell the widely held beliefs that the earlier the loss, the easier it will be?

It seems though, that this strange and ambiguous cloud hangs only over these early pregnancy and infant losses. I don't think I have ever heard anyone say, "Well, thank goodness the child was only three years old when they died, the parents were not as attached as they would be if he was ten." Followed by the token statement: "Well, at least they can have more children." Of course, statements like these, when viewed against the backdrop of a toddler death are so clearly inappropriate, and would never be spoken or hopefully even cross the mind. Why then, does it happen so often for early losses?

Whenever we hear about someone losing a child, we almost always want to know how old they were. As if the loss of a newborn is somehow harder than the loss where the child was stillborn late-term or whose heartbeat was never located in ultrasound at 12 weeks. Do people reserve their reaction to the news of the loss for a time when they can place the loss on a rung of the loss ladder? Are they unsure how to respond without knowing the age of the baby that was lost? Does a miscarriage earn a "Oh, well that is sad." where a full-term loss deserves "Oh, they must be devastated." and then any losses of a child who was born alive deserves tears? Of course not.

The moment we learn that we are pregnant we are all on equal ground. We are all in the same place, having the same thoughts and dreams. Learning that your child is gone is equally difficult regardless of the stage at which the loss has occurred. Prior to my experiences with my own losses, I would never have thought that I too was guilty of measuring others' losses by ladder rungs. Yet, I was. But no more; for my part, I pledge to speak up in defense of a loss that is about to be dismissed. I believe that one of the duties that is bestowed upon us as bereaved parents is to extend a glimpse into the depths of our loss onto others. We have a unique opportunity to offer the understanding we have to those who have not been touched by these experiences.

© 2006 Rowan Tree Foundation

Let me Hold You Longer

Long ago you came to me,
a miracle of firsts:
First smiles and teeth and baby steps,
a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave me to your past
And I will be left thinking of
a lifetime of your lasts..........

The last time that I held a bottle
to your baby lips.
The last time that I lifted you
and held you on my hip.

The last night when you woke up crying
needed to be walked,
When last you crawled up with your blanket,
wanting to be rocked.

The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you'd marry
me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past--
Would I have held on longer if
I'd known they were your last?

Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite
faded baseball cap.

Your last few hours of kindergarten,
those last days of first grade,
You last at bat in Little League,
last colored picture made.

I never said goodbye to all
your yesterday's long passed.
So what about tomorrow--
Will I recognize your lasts?

The last time that you catch a frog
in that old backyard pond.
The last time you run barefoot
across our fresh cut lawn.
Silly, scattered images
will represent your past.
I keep on taking pictures,
never quite sure of your lasts......

The last time that I comb your hair
or stop a pillow fight.
The last time that I pray with your
and tuck you in at night.
The last time when we cuddle
with a book, just me and you.
The last time you jump in our bed
and sleep between us two.

The last piano lesson,
last vacation to the lake.
Your last few weeks of middle school,
last soccer goal you make.
I look ahead and dream of days
that haven't come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss
today's sweet, precious lasts.......

The last time that I help you with
a mathing or spelling test,
The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.
The last time that you need me for
a ride from here to there.
The last time that you spend the night
with your old tattered bear.

My life keeps moving faster
stealing precious days that pass.
I want to hold on longer--
want to recognize your lasts.

The last time that you need my help
with details of a dance.
The last time that you ask me for
advice about romance.

The last time that you talk to me
about your hopes and dreams.
The last time that you wear a jersey
for you high school team.

I've watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they passed,
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I'd hold on to your lasts

For come some bright fall morning,
you'll be going far away.
College life will beckon
in a brilliant sort of way.
One last hug, one last good-bye,
One quick and hurried kiss.
One last time to understand
Just how much you'll be missed.
I'll watch you leave and think how fast
Our time together passed.

Let me hold on longer, God,
to every precious last.

by Karen Kingsbury

You won't believe this....we thought it was over, I guess I will be the "fat lady" singing in the end.......I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and we saw two lines. I called the doctors office and they had me come in and do a test and blood work there. We could not get the blood test results until this morning but their urine test was positive.

We got the call from the RE's office.......

My BETA 192 (this is REALLY good)
Progesterone over 40 (all on my own no PIO shots!!)

I may have to go back on Friday for a "doubling" check since I've had the ectopic and the blocked tube.

My ultrasound is scheduled early March 10th to find out how many fertilized in utero.......we had 8 follicles altogether before the egg retrieval. I am guessing there may be more than one.....yesterday would have been 10days past a 3day transfer (had we made it to transfer) and my first beta when I had twins was only 76 at 11days past 3day transfer (it doubled to 188 at 13 dp3dt).....I am nervous with the bleeding scare we had on Tuesday....I seem to have irregular bleeding scares when I am pregnant, 1st one ectopic, 2nd with twins, and now this one!!

We are still in shock.....this is unbelievable......from no eggs at ER to seeing two lines......And I thought Cooper and Elliott were the last we'd seen of miracles.......but to have another like this......what a testimony I'll have to give at the end of a healthy pregnancy. I know we won't see heartbeats at our ultrasound because I'll be around 5 weeks then (by RE's nurse report)......but I am praying and will welcome all prayers that our pregnancy continue to be healthy!!

The phone has been ringing off the hook, so if you didn't get a phone call by me or my mom.....it's because our phone lines have been tied up!!

We went for egg retrieval today, and it's with a heart felt regret that I post that we had no eggs retrieved. None, not a one. We had follicles but no eggs. Our doctor and his staff were mystified and very supportive. I knew that we didn't have any because I was coming in and out of the anesthesia and heard "none" several times. Our doctor said there wasn't even any cells that they normally see when aspirating. I don't know if I ovulated early or my follicles were not mature or if I am just at the end of the road. It broke my heart to see Jonathan tear up as he tried to give me support. I appreciate all your support and prayers. I am unbelievably calm and full of peace. It's hard to believe that this is it, but in a way it is easier to get past than losing anymore babies.

We always knew that Cooper and Elliott were true miracles and now recognize even more what a miracle and blessings they really are. I couldn't wait to get home to see them. They are the best medicine for me right now

Thanks so much for all your support and prayers during our invitros. I don't think that I can give up just yet on having more children, but my invitro cycles are done......If it is going to happen then it will have to happen naturally at this point.

Praise the Lord.......I am on my knees in praise and gratitude!! I went in for my follie check up today! The nurse asked how I was feeling and I said I felt bloated and a lot of pressure in my abdomen. I told her I hope that it is my follicles and not gas!! When the resident and the doctor came in I jokingly said that when my husband asked me what I wanted for Valentine's Day, I told him a dozen mature eggs!! Well, we don't have a dozen but we've got a lot of good sized eggies. My doctor said I have the "three musketeers" on the right side with other smaller ones that could come into play and on my left (yes the MIA ovary) has two good sized one as well. My largest one is on my left size and is 21!! I could see all my follies like quarter sized on the screen. I am so happy. the Doctor looked up and said "you are going to trigger tonight!" I couldn't believe it. I am always the last to trigger since I respond so poorly and slowly. I take my trigger shot at 8PM tonight and my egg retrieval is at 7:45AM on Thursday. Transfer is set for Sunday. My E2 is only 641......so hopefully it will keep rising and be well over 1000 at retrieval.

Please keep us in your prayers and I'll post how many eggs were retrieved on Thursday and a fertilization report on Friday!!

Today was my day 5 ultrasound (after stimming) I was really worried and while there saw one patient leave who looked like they were crying, and heard one through the walls.......they are so darn thin......that things didn't look so good. And as I sat there thinking what if I was rushing this ivf, or trying so hard that maybe it wasn't His time for us to have more children. But then out of no where......I know it was Him, and your prayers that comforted me as I thought and prayed "This is all You, this is in Your hands, no matter what I know that whatever happens I will be ok"....and then I looked up at the ceiling (the kind of drop ceiling tile that has a gazillion little dots) and reaffirmed my mustard seed faith as I entered the ultrasound room.

Today the doctor had an intern who did my initial exam....guess that they have to learn somewhere......but that wand can be discomforting if you don't know what you are doing. My lining is good 6 or more and showing good signs of triple stripe. My right ovary has 2-3 measurable follies with a few smaller ones. My left one he couldn't find but the RE took over and found it and it had 2 follies and some smaller ones. I got the call back this afternoon that my E2 was 127!! Our ivf in Nov at day 5, I was only at 98.5. They told me they were happy with my number as anything over 100 at this point was good.

I go back on Sunday.......please continue praying for all my follies to grow and become mature. It would be great to go in on Sunday and see those smaller ones catching up. Last time I didn't have many follies and I am excited and surprised that we had some this time (I just didn't feel any action going on down there but apparently there is)

Hello!! We just wanted to update on our upcoming invitro cycle. I started the stim shots on Sunday (hopefully we will have lots of follicles on my next appointment). I went for my baseline appointment last Friday and I had one follicle already. We are hoping that we will have at least 10 or more around the same size. I am on a higher dose of medicine this time so it means I have 4 shots per day, thankfully the needles are small (like insulin needles). Our doctor is hoping that the higher dosage will help us have more eggs at retrieval. Please pray for us and we will update you after our Thursday appointment at 9:45AM!

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss... and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money, or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to, or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

(Author Unknown)

Before you read this, it is important to note that Elliott has never bitten an apple (even though we've tried hundreds of times since Cooper loves them) Anyway, this is a TRUE story and I thought you'd get a big laugh out of it!!! Last night our computer had locked up and I was in the process of rebooting it. The boys were playing with their Thomas the Tank train table and running around. I called for the boys to come upstairs to the bonus room but neither of them came but I could hear them playing and they sounded like they were having a "good time". I called out that it was time to get a bath and play in the "bubbles" when Cooper came upstairs and replied "OK, lets clean up the apples". Uh? Apples? Oh no, they've gotten into the pantry and I rush to the kitchen with Cooper holding onto my finger. And there, on the kitchen floor was Elliott surrounded by 14 apples (yes I counted them) and each and every apple had one or two bites taken out of them!! Cooper had one in his hand and Elliott had one in his and they continued to chow down on the additional two apples!! Cooper apparently was teaching Elliott how to bite an apple and Elliott would bite his apple but liked to bite the area that had the skin already off. It was all I could do not to burst out laughing as I picked up the apples and cleaned up the "juice" all over the floor! I called Jonathan at work and told him what his little guys were up to and he laughed and said they are the Apple Dumpling Gang! I can't believe I didn't get a picture.....it would have been priceless!!