9/11 Tribute

Remembrance of this day has significant meaning in our lives, and not just because of the tragedy that occurred in NY, Pennsylvania and Virginia in 2001. I don't think there is anyone that doesn't remember exactly where they were when they heard or saw the news. I was at work working with patients at an Alcohol and Drug Abuse Center, mornings were the time our women met in groups to talk, share, and process through their addiction. Group ended and I entered my office to hear my messages. I heard Jonathan's voice shaking as he said a plane hit the World Trade Center and as he was talking the second plane hit and I could hear how shook him to his core. He said he wanted to come to my work and for us to go home, he knew we were being attacked after the second plane hit and he was worried about more attacks. I immediately called him and told him that we would be ok and that I had to go tell my patients what had happened. I sat in a recreation room with patients and staff and watched in horror as the news replayed the scenes over and over, and the interviews and footage that continued. I tried to call my parents but the lines were overwhelmed with calls to VA and I could not get through. I signed on to AOL messenger and was able to chat with my mother and get updates on family members that were at the Pentagon. It was as if time stood still and a feeling of helplessness took over. The drive home from that day, full of sadness for all those that perished the innocent men, women and children....the first responders, the heroes, the survivors. I remember how flags were popping up in the days, weeks and months after, our country united, friends and neighbors reaching out to each other and helping strangers. This was my generations "Pearl Harbor", a date that brings heartache, tears as we honor and remember the events. We did not lose anyone in our family, but we had friends we did. This date has so many meanings for us, but it's what occurred a year later, in a doctors office in Greenville that gave us hope. It is where for the first time, we got a glimpse that our pregnancy was solid and my beta numbers were rising. The numbers were so high in fact, I started to wonder if I was carrying multiples. I had taken two pregnancy tests at home, the first one on September 8th. I stumbled into the bathroom bright and early around 6:30AM and saw what appeared to be a faint positive. Surely I was seeing things. I called Jonathan, who was at work, and told him the news. I told him to look at the test when he got home, if he sees two lines then I'll start believing it. You see, I had taken a test the day before, and had a big fat negative. I went online to my chat group for support, and was quickly told that I need an early response test to pick up the hcg hormone that a woman's body puts out when she is pregnant. Silly me, I wasn't aware that were levels of pregnancy tests. So, I went out to buy one of these so called early detection tests and awaited my first mornings sample  Ok, back to Jonathan who comes in from a hard nights work, and crawls into bed. "Did you see the test?" "Um, no.....I forgot....and I've already taken out my contacts" Great, just great.....without his contacts, Jonathan is as blind as a bat...He would never see that line. He got up and went into the bathroom and was back. Silence, I was dying....what did he see??? He curled up behind me and nuzzled my ear and said "Looks like we are going to have a baby!!" Those were the happiest words I could have ever heard.... I also remember I had a dream around that time, it was of me and three other people in a doctors office. I was laying on the table and the doctor was placing the doppler on my belly to hear the heartbeat. There were two other women in the room, but I could never make out their faces. We listened to the whoosh, whoosh sound of the heartbeat generated from the right side of my abdomen, when the focus turned towards the left side of my belly. The doctor said "Do you want to hear the other one?" I sat upright in bed and exclaimed out loud "THE OTHER ONE??!!" It was then that I knew that I was carrying twins. It would be weeks later before our first sonogram would confirm that I was indeed carrying twins. After so many losses and heartache of miscarriages, this day I was renewed with hope. So, you see September 11, 2001 was a great loss for our country.....and September 11, 2002 was the beginning of our family.

'Twas A Week Before School Starts

A week before school starts
and all through this place
not a school supply has been bought
sad looks on our face!
Our backpacks are hung,
in the same place that we left them
we can use them again
if we clean out the mayhem
My children are nestled
all snugged in their beds, 
with visions of surfing 
on waves in their heads
And I in my sadness 
that summer's now gone, 
toast a glass of red wine,
before Armageddon.... 
Now schedules, Now homework, 
Now Projects and Wishlists,
On backpacks, On lunches,
On Uniforms, On packed snacks! 
We'll hold onto summer 
for as long as we can
we're not ready for school
so we're making a plan
To make on this island
a place we call home,
so no matter the school year
our beach we can roam!

Day 40: Breathe, Seek, Play....Rise

What an extraordinary experience this journey during lent has been.  I have begun to focus, simplify and enjoy more of this gift of life than I have ever had before.  Over the past 40 days I have lived the sweet life, found that messy experiences can bring about sweet rewards, experienced a winter wonderland, the joys of captured moments, discovered things left unwritten, began to write with meaning, realized the joys in spilled milk, to dance, recognize the joy in ordinary days, be grateful for all the moments, to exhale, to play and play some more, to make the moments count, to surf daffodils (our version of stopping to smell the roses),  to be still,  to read, to throw our hands up on the roller coaster of life and enjoy the ride, to make my mark, realizing that sometimes you have to be lost to be found, the benefits of home,  how ironic things in life can be, what makes someone a super hero,  how to rest, how my life is like a beach,  that we all need a little luck, storing treasures in scrapbooks, that imperfection is bliss, to spring forward and push through the seasons of life, to have acceptance for things that you cannot change, to chase a maverick or two, to celebrate the changes, that kindness matters, finding kindness delivers you, and cheers up everyone, cannot be erased, can be the sweetest dessert in life, where you not only throw a stone that makes ripple but in the end you end up splashing everyone with the biggest cannonball...but the greatest lesson of lent is that no matter what life throws at you, if you have faith, family and friends you can RISE up and meet any challenge. And what I mean by RISE UP is that "you never stand taller than when you are on your knees to pray" <3 Amen! Happy Easter!

Day 39: Breath, Seek and Play.....Spring Fever.

Day 39: Breath, Seek and Play.....Spring Fever. Our Random Acts of Kindness have been delayed for today....spring fever has hit and the boys are going for a late evening swim ♥ We take our PLAY time very seriously! CANNONBALL!

Day 38: Breathe, Seek, Play....Random Act of Kindness Dessert Style.

Today was a crazy,chaotic day...pretty typical for our house. The kids had a half day of school, and we are now officially on Easter Break. We are so excited to spend some time a the coast but it seemed as much as I was moving in fast forward someone kept hitting the pause and rewind button today. Thankfully at the craziest times of today, angels stepped in to help smooth things over and keep me on my path. My mother in law was having the same kind of day and we shared many a good laugh over our Murphy's Law Kind of day. You know the kind of day when you walk into a room for something but can't remember what? Only to go into another room and you get clued in as to what you were looking for in the other room. The kind where you go to look for something and can't find it only to realize that it is right under your nose. The kind where you have so much on your mind you can't seem to focus on getting one thing done. Or the kind when you try to get the "one thing done" everything seems to unravel just as fast as you are getting it completed. It wasn't just one thing, it was a never ending colossal of a chaotic Murphy's Law waterfall. But this is normal, just today someone turned the craziness up on the spin cycle and time was not on my side. My mother in law suggested to go out for dinner, which was a fabulous idea since me in a kitchen today with my luck may have ended up with a call to the fire department! So out to dinner we went, aaaahhhhh finally to sit down and try not to think about all the things I still had yet to do. The server comes over and asked to take our order, I said I would like my mind, I seemed to have lost it! We all laughed...well, the kids didn't exactly get it, but we "big" kids have all known that kind of feeling. We enjoyed a lovely dinner and Elliott brought a book and Cooper brought a sketchbook to occupy their time so we could have an adult conversation. A table of three ladies sat down next to us and we all thought of getting them a dessert for our random act of kindness. They all ordered salad, and we thought maybe not...but then decided to press on. So Cooper opened up his sketch book to make a card. And one mishap after another, he dropped his papers under the table, then his pencil and trying to make it the card, it was more than obvious it would not be random and they would know it was us. The restaurant wasn't packed. I got up and said I'd go to the ladies room and scoured the restaurant for an unsuspecting table. There were not many to choose from, one looked like a business meeting, a birthday party getting ready to set up, and then a group of ladies that were having a great conversation caught my eye. We asked for a dessert menu and the boys, Grandma and I decided on the sweetest treat we'd never eat...because we were going to surprise someone else tonight. The boys drew ice cream cones and a sweet note. We ordered the brownie sundae because it was the biggest and that all the women could share it. The manager came over and asked us was one of the women the boys teacher. I said no, are they teachers...he said yes they just got off work. I said we don't know any of them....but that made it even sweeter to know we were surprising a group of teachers! The boys could not see them and wanted to know who was getting the yummy dessert. They both decided they had to go to the bathroom, curiosity getting the better of them. Around the corner they saw three of the ladies, two of them had stepped out for a moment....and we thought oh no, they may all be leaving. But the boys went to the restroom and the two ladies returned just in time for the server to bring the card and the ice cream brownie surprise. I heard one teacher say "Oh my this is so nice, please tell them we appreciate this". Our server seemed to enjoy this random surprise we had him deliver and smiled at us as we overheard the teachers asking him to bring more spoons! We went back to our table and filled Grandma in on how the delivery went. We knew we better scram before they discovered us, as we were the only table with kids in the restaurant. As we left the restaurant the boys wanted one more last look but as we scurried by the ladies were enjoying their sweet treat. It was Grandmas first Random Act of Kindness with us...and after our crazy, chaotic day we knew just how much that dessert meant to that deserving group of ladies...they deserved to be treated and reminded that what they do does make a difference. For a day when everything seemed to be going wrong, this was one of the things that went right!  Sometimes a sweet reward can come at just the right time, and change everything, even enjoying a dessert we'd never eat!

Day 37: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Random Act of Kindness the No. 2 Version

And before you can let your mind go in places it clearly shouldn't...we are talking about PENCILS! Today, the kids went on a field trip to the Tryon Palace in New Bern. I volunteered to go and chaperoned 11 students and had a blast watching them read and learn the whirlwind of information in the brief amount of time we had to explore the interactive historical part of the center. Last night we discussed that we would look for something to share with our classmates while on the field trip. We thought about the free magazine that they give out at the Visitor Center, but we overheard our teacher discussing that she wanted to be sure she picked them up on her way out. While the kids were eating lunch I went into the gift shop and browsed for what could we do that would be a nice treat for the class and be useful. I found bookmarks and pencils...and opted for the pencils. I had to get Cooper and Elliott's input and let their teacher in on it since she would have to take them back to the class. We thought it would represent a way for kids to make their mark and so many kids in their class need pencils (especially this time of year when resources start running low) However, the kids arrived back to school just as they were to be dismissed and had to go immediately to their bus or carpool line. So our random act of kindness will be fulfilled tomorrow when the class receives their postcard of the Tryon Palace tomorrow. I wish I had stumbled upon this story before I wrote the note on the postcard or else I would have written this have the teacher share with the class (I still may email it so she can read it to them tomorrow).

A pencil maker told the pencil 5 important lessons just before putting it in the box:
1. Everything you do you will always leave a mark.
2. You can always correct the mistakes you make.
3. What is important is what is inside of you.
4. In life, you will undergo painful sharpening which will only make you better.
5. To be the best pencil, you must allow yourself to be held and guided by the hand that holds you.

I asked the attendant at the visitor desk about the historical magazines and she said she would have a box of 125 brought down for the kids but the buses had already boarded and were leaving. So I waited for them to be brought down and carried them to the school and delivered them to the front office for the teachers to pass out tomorrow. So even a little gift, like a souvenir pencil...can go on to represent kindness in ways we may never know, maybe one of the kids will make their mark in writing or with a test...or maybe they will just enjoy the gift and the happiness the surprise tomorrow when they each get their pencil. All we do know is that Random Act of Kindness makes marks on our heart that can never be erased!

Day 36: Breathe, Seek, Play...Cup of Cheer our Random Act of Kindness.

Today's random act was inspired from yesterday.  We loved delivering a cheerful surprise to an unsuspecting individual.  I told them about the girl who wrote letters to people and how it cheered them up.  They loved the idea and I said we could give them a teabag.  Elliott at first was like "A teabag, why would anyone want a teabag?"  I said it has been very cold this spring and a lot of people have been sick with colds.  I explained to him that you can boil water and make it into tea and it is helps someone who has a sore throat.  I told him the quote about how we are like a teabag, we never know how strong we are until we are in hot water.  Cooper said we could make a card to put the teabag in.  We set out to look for a quote to put inside the card.  We found a really nice story about how the teabag relates to Easter.  It was beautifully written but was too long for our homemade cards.  We found two that we liked the best.  On the outside of the card Elliott wrote a Cup of Cheer and Cooper wrote Random Act of Kindness.  On the inside we cut and pasted "Life is like making tea!  Boil your ego, Evaporate your worries, Dilute your sorrows, Filter your mistakes, Taste the Happiness"  On the other side we cut and pasted  another quote "Remember the tea kettle is always up to its neck in hot water, Yet it still sings!" and we taped a Twinings English Breakfast Teabag in it's red envelope.  Our kitchen table was a Random Acts of Kindness assembly line, cutting and pasting, writing and taping.  We had 20 completed cards and decided to head out to spread a cup of cheer.  We thought about who would like tea, since not everyone does...I said we could go to the bookstore because many people there drink coffee and some enjoy tea.  We entered Barnes and Nobles and the boys had their bag of cards ready to go.  They walked to the cafe and took notice of the crowd.  I could tell they were nervous and stood beside them at the bookshelf closest to the cafe.  I spotted a table of three young ladies and said "you could make three people happy at one time".  I thought they were going to have a race for a second to get to them, when Elliott stopped and approached an older female reading a book by herself.  He walked up to her and said "Here's  A Cup of Cheer".  She smiled and said "Thank You".  He replied "You're Welcome" and was running off as I saw her face light up as she read the inside.  Cooper went up to a table with a Mom and two teens.  He decided that this was going to be his first table.  He passed out his cards and then they were excitedly searching for the next person who would get "cheered" up.  One by one, we went around Barnes and Noble, surprising someone reading, or searching for a book.  One lady even came and found us after and told us that was so sweet of us.  Elliott gave the three young ladies at the cafe our homemade cards, they were most likely college students, and they in return lavished him with thanks.  Cooper found a young man sitting at a table by himself and he said he chose him because he looked sad (because he had his face resting in his hand).  They boys stayed close to each other and would keep track of how many cards they had left to give out.  Sometimes, in all their excitement, they would try to cheer someone up twice!! It made for a great laugh for all of us, and many of the recipient began to watch the boys going around the store and they were watching the expressions on the faces of those who received a card.  It was a fun filled afternoon, creating and making cards, then delivering and watching the smiles...It was as if we shared the cup of cheer as we watched the happiness spread as quickly as we passed our cards out.  This kind of kindness was everyone's cup of tea!

Day 35: Breathe, Seek, Play....Kindness Delivered.

 We talked about what we would like to do for our random act of kindness. The boys immediately said "Ding Dong Ditch" but I overruled them since we didn't have anything ready to "ditch" at an unsuspecting neighbor. I told them one of our first things we did last year was buy someone coffee...but this time we'd do it with a twist. We called the store, Old Navy, and a young female answered the phone. We asked her name and could she help us with something. She said sure. We asked her did she drink Starbucks coffee. She replied yes. We asked her what was her favorite kind. She replied White Mocha Iced. We asked her would she be still working around 6:30. She replied she was there until 9:30. We get a sense she knows coffee is coming her way, but she has NO IDEA from who. We set off with our handmade card..We affixed stickers that said you are BRILLIANT, you are SUPER, you are MAGNIFICENT (the stickers were the words in all caps) on the inside of the card telling her that we hope she enjoyed her surprise and to pay it forward when she could. We get to Starbucks and go inside (it's been awhile for me, I was a bit lost with all the sizes and choices) I didn't see what she wanted on the board but asked the barista could she make one. She smiled and said yes, and asked what size..we choose Grande. Then we looked over and the boys wanted to pick something sweet to go with her coffee. We saw two cake pops, one chocolate covered in a chocolate shell with white sprinkles and the other birthday cake covered in a pink shell with white sprinkles. She placed them in a bag and we asked if she had a sticker but they were out of the Starbucks kind. I asked did they have a stapler and she said yes, so Cooper gave me the card and when she saw that we were trying to fix a card onto the bag she found a plain sticker that worked nicely! She then said "we have a broken birthday cake pop and we can't sell it" so she gave it to us! KINDNESS RETURNED! The boys wanted to eat it right away, but out the door we went. Elliott commented that there were a lot of people there on their computers. Cooper replied they are trying to learn about coffee or get jobs there. I laughed and gave them the low down on people in coffee shops are there to enjoy the atmosphere and coffee. Next we arrive at Old Navy. We wait in line, not sure if the store clerks in the front are our unsuspecting gift receiver. We ask if Lauren was there and the clerk said she was in the fitting room area. The boys gave her the cake pops in the bag with our note along with the coffee. The clerk said "where you the ones who called earlier, she was so excited thinking someone was bringing her coffee". Made us smile. We told her to take the coffee back to her and that way we could make our escape! We raced to our car as fast as we could...and as we drove off we managed to divide our broken cake pop into thirds....Delivering Kindness is a sweet reward ♥

Day 34: Breathe, Seek, Play....Kindness.

Be a grace giver not a stone thrower....we are all guilty of casting rocks. This Holy Week we will commit to random acts of kindness ♥ Heaven knows we can all use a little of that!

You know, everyone is guilty of it, but most recognize and realize that if you are pointing a finger at someone there are three fingers pointing back at yourself. It is sad when rocks are thrown by those you feel the closest too, or those that accuse of you of wrong doing and are guilty of doing the very same thing, or when someone is trying to do good they rip them down with false accusations...it happens all the time, pure madness....why do people have to be so cruel? I think more people would be shocked to know the truth about about those that throw stones on purpose, we've all known a "Judas" in our lives. 

I have found to forgive and move on...Looking back, I realize that my always wanting to see the good in people was both a blessing and a curse.  I didn't realize that I kept a toxic friendship for far too long, and at various times forgave when clearly I wasn't getting the message that this was not a friendship at all.  I wanted it to be, but it wasn't.  It wasn't until I was reunited with friends from school that I realized that I was holding onto something that wasn't healthy at all.  Jealousy and hatred spewed as a result, I was stronger and realized this was not a healthy friendship.  I began setting boundaries and even came close to forgiving this person once again.  But something held me back, I listened to my heart this time.  This was not a genuine friendship at all, and a dear friend reminded me “When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.” She told  and that this individual was distracting me from what I should be focusing on in my life.  She was right, I took time away from things that brought me joy, and our relationship was one sided...I was being used only when she needed me as she was not there when I needed her.  Constant disagreements where she would say "I didn't feel a certain way or that I thought a certain way" because after all she had known me for so long she felt she knew me best...I realized she didn't know me at all.   And I realized I made excuses for this relationship time and time again, and had other friendships and family relationships destroyed because of it.  Promises made, but never kept, and a backlash of cruelty that only a few know about.  It made me wonder why I was even friends with this person in the first place.  I saw the good, and I wanted to still see the good, but realized that the hurt was too great and walked away.  I didn't stoop to the level of casting stones back at her, when every fiber in me wanted to.  I realized it took me almost 20 years to "wake up" and those that didn't know will find out in their own time.  It was also very disheartening that people turned away as stones were being cast, and I realized that she hurt relationships with those that I loved and created drama in hopes that I would come back and need her friendship again.  I have learned a great deal from all of this, and will not allow myself to stay or return to a toxic relationship as a result.  Sometimes we are betrayed by someone we once loved and felt close to...but do not let that steal your joy of the real friendships you have.  "There comes a time in life when you have to let go of all the pointless drama, and people who create it... And surround yourself with the people who make you laugh so hard... That you forget the bad, and focus solely on good. After all life is too short to be anything but HAPPY."  Cast your stones, like your worries away...this sandpaper friend taught me the value of real friendships, how forgiveness is not just something we do for other people; we do it for ourselves, that sometimes being silent about things is golden; but sometimes speaking up and stopping the madness may be better; my trust is greater and I found great resolve that I have no control over what a person thinks; people believe what they want to believe not matter what...I am not perfect and I still struggle with the casting of stones, it is natural when you are hurt to cry out to want to fight back.  But thanks to the sandpaper, I have learned so much and am more polished as a result. 

I realize  that in the end only kindness matters.  As much as I'd like to surround myself with happy, bubbly people and pretend that bad things do not exist...when they do, is not realistic.  But what I can do from time to time, is lift someone up and pray for those who cast stones on purpose.  We have all had so much hurt in our lives, that a little kindness can mean so much.  And like last year, during Lent we found that the joy in kindness was shared and we gained so much out of the experience.  So that I am happy to pass that along.  Kindness is a stone anyone can throw and the ripple effect is priceless.  So if you do feel the urge to throw a stone...choose Kindness!

Day 33: Breathe, Seek, Play...Changes

 Day 33:  Breathe, Seek, Play....Change.  “No connection, you would agree. But things can come together in strange ways. The wood was at the center, the hub of the wheel. All wheels must have a hub. A ferris wheel has one, as the sun is the hub of the wheeling calendar. Fixed points they are, and best left undisturbed, for without them, nothing holds together. But sometimes people find this out too late.” 
― Natalie Babbitt, Tuck Everlasting  

We started our new book tonight, Tuck Everlasting.  The boys were drawn into the story as soon as I read the prologue.  It is a simple tale with deep meanings, and at the center is a wheel, the hub that continues the cycle.  A chance to live forever, a bubbling spring that held more than just water, what if nothing ever changed? In the end you are left with a fundamental choice.  

I thought a lot about this story today.  Watching them throw the baseball to each other and breaking in their baseball gloves.  Listening to the instructions of how to catch a pop fly or a grounder...and then watched as they mimicked what they were taught when they thought no one was watching.  I giggled as they complimented each other, rolled my eyes when they fussed that the ball was not being thrown to where they could catch it, and worried when they threw the ball a little too hard (in fear someone was going to get hurt).  Then they built a playmobil set and had a  Calvary battle with Billy the Kid and his gang of outlaws.  Their imaginations ran wild as they played, creating a story and acting it out.  After dinner we went for a sunset bike ride and I watched them peddle down the street as we walked the dog behind them. The hubs of their wheels were turning....Elliott waving to all the houses and every car that passed...I thought back to the first time they rode their bikes, first with training wheels, then without, and the first time they wrecked.   We teach our children and they go off and try it one their own, sometimes they change what we taught them and adapt it to fit their style.  Sometimes they don't listen, and change results from trial and error.  But no matter what as I watched them ride off on their bikes into the sunset, things were changing, even though some things have stayed the same. 

 I am so blessed to watch the many changes that they boys are going through and experiencing.  I often joke that I wish that I could find a pause button and keep them little forever, they are growing up so fast.   But like in this story, we'd learn that change is necessary.  All stories, like life have a beginning, middle and an end.  Sometimes changes are good, and sometimes as much as you wish each spoke would stay the same,  it moves forward and hub at the center sees it all and holds it all together.  The story is much like life....full of discovery and how it all unfolds.  The choices we make and the changes that result.  There are people you may know that you feel so connected with and that you feel hold it altogether, or help you hold it together...Your hub may be your faith and your spokes made up of family, friends, work, hobbies, places....they are all part of a whole.  When one spoke breaks, the other spokes undergo a change as a result...because the hub of life will keep going.  So instead of me wanting to find the "pause" button when life is content, the moment is perfect, and I just want to hold onto it for as long as I can....I am changing my perspective to find the "play" button instead.   Getting into the game and rolling with the changes....On my life's remote, I will play the moments, pause the memories, stop the pain and rewind the happiness and look forward to the changes it brings.

Day 32: Breathe, Seek, Play....Live Like Jay

 After our week of school testing and epiphanies..we've finished reading Chasing Mavericks. Tonight we watched the movie. What an absolute perfect ending to this week and a positive message to the boys. Jay Moriarity at age 16 surfed Mavericks and dropped in on a 50 foot wave....he didn't ride it in, but slammed into concrete after the 45 ft or more drop. Crazy to watch that and realize someone can walk away from that kind of devastation. But he fought through so much adversity, fear, panic, hurt to get to a place that pushed him beyond normal limits and try again. I think at times we've all surfed a Maverick of one form or another in our lives. Maybe not on a surfboard with huge mountainous waves, but we've at one point or another been teetering in our minds on a 50 ft drop into the abyss...the drop, the letting go, the decent into what lies beneath....We've had our wipe outs, were we feel pinned under water and are unsure of which way is up. This week, watching and discovering Elliott surf his way through standardized testing was like watching Cooper surfing 8 foot waves on Emerald Isle. It is panic you feel as you watch your child teetering on a surfboard out in water so deep, and with sea life you pretend does not exist...and you watch in awe as he glides in the water as a wave towers over him and he has a look on his face that says he is more alive than he has ever been. I've been blessed to see this look on my boys faces...the moment they feel more alive than they've ever been, that exhilaration and joy. That is the look I saw on Elliott's face when he shared his reading level that had climbed to new heights this week, the same look when I told him how much higher his benchmark tests had rose when he took them with pencil and paper rather than on the computer. He rode a different wave, but no less intense...As a mother of twins, one with a disability and one that is a reflection, I see them as they see themselves, an extension of each other.....They both are amazing, they are not afraid to try new things and test the limits. I sometimes think they get that from me, but I know I cannot take all the credit, it is a seed inside of them that I nurtured and has grown. This is all them, I always push them to do more, to try more.....to take risks, but like they learned in the movie "all I will say is, the ones who push the limits sometimes discover....the limits sometimes push back". I pushed the limits for Elliott this week, the limits pushed back...The school administrator first resisted in letting Elliott retake the test but finally allowed him to retake it (after I presented how invaluable this would be in helping us figure out why his test scores had dropped)...and Elliott pushed back with his result of higher test scores. He surfed a wave of another kind, but the techniques all the same. I think it was God's perfect timing for us to read Chasing Mavericks at this particular time. How the boys watched how Jay did not give up, how he dared what was the impossible, and he listened to his mentor along the way. His mentor said at his memorial "We all come from the sea, but we are not all of the sea. Those of us who are, we children of the tides, must return to it, again and again, until the day we don't come back, leaving behind only that which was touched along the way."~~The book goes on to say 'this was the lesson of Jay's life', his mentor once told him "I know how good you are. I've seen you out there. You surf circles around those other kids. Those are normal waves. Surfing normal waves is about how you perform when everything goes right. Big wave surfing it's a different ball game. It's about how you perform when everything goes wrong. One bump off the face of that wave and you're hitting the water like concrete at 50 miles per hour. Then you got a thousand tons of water coming down on top of you. It's knocking you senseless, ripping you apart and pushing you down to a place that's so deep and so dark that you don't want to be there." Jay replied "why do you do it? Train me to ride" I feel that I am teaching my sons how to surf not only in the ocean but in life....that life is great when everything goes right, but there are times, and you need to know this...when everything will go wrong, and it matters most how you handle that. So no matter how the surf of life is tossing you or holding you down..whether or not your feet or steady and you are riding the wave or battling the white wash of wave after wave crashing upon you...we determine how we handle it. That part is in our control. Jay's mentor told him "What's going on inside of you, Jay? What are you afraid of? You've got a chance to change everything. Take it. This is about more than just surfing. This is about choices you make in life. This is about finding that one thing that sets you free. You need to believe in yourself or none of this matters." I hope my boys Live Like Jay...What an amazing story, to push yourself, to ride the waves of life, to be prepared when the swell changes, to know what to do when things go wrong, to drop in on something and feel so alive, to dare the impossible, to know I will always be watching from the shore (or if I get the nerve up this year I will be watching alongside them in the surf) and to always know to believe in each other as much as they believe in themselves. In life they may ride many waves, some on and off shore...Frosty, Jays' Mentor said their were 'Four Pillars of the Human Foundation'....the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual realms. Those that have found them know how to paddle and glide!

Day 31: Breathe, Seek, Play....Acceptance.

Temple Grandin said "You have got to keep autistic children engaged with the world.  You cannot let them tune out."  Elliott is retaking his benchmark testing today with pencil and paper to see if we can find out why his test scores fell despite all his progress since his seatwork and class tests do not reflect it. He didn't sleep well last night, woke up at 11:30 and went racing downstairs to find me, I met him at the top of the stairs as he ran back up and jumped into my arms. I know his mind is thinking of everything all at once, because when he woke up this morning he told me "Don't forget to print out our vocabulary words so we can practice tonight". He didn't remember waking up last night, and told us that 'we must be mistaken' that he didn't get up and run down the stairs ;) He didn't seem nervous at all, but I asked him if he wanted a special pencil to take, his eyes lit up. Praying for my little guy this morning, I told him that he will do amazing! We told him to circle words if he didn't understand them and to make a little sad face to the side of them so we will know if that may be impeding him from picking the correct answer. I am so proud of him and so appreciative of the school staff to hear my pleas to look into what may be causing this as well as looking into ways we can work as a team to help him with his progress! When we realized the paper and pencil test option may help with his upcoming Math benchmark (which is tomorrow), the school is going to see if that will be something that will help him with his Language Arts test as well. Hoping we find more answers in his answers today.

We talked last night about a game he loves to play called "Royal Revolt" that you start off the game without any help and when you defeat each level you are awarded with things which make your king and knights stronger for the next level. I told him how he walks into the school without the armor (as it applies to schoolwork/ease of knowledge) that most of the students wear. I told him how he goes in and he is doing the same thing as the other children and he does it without that armor and that makes him very brave. I told him every time he learns something new he advances to the next level and he gets stronger, just like the king on his game. I reminded him how many times it took him to defeat certain levels on his game, and that he didn't give up, he kept trying and eventually he advanced. He is wearing armor of a different kind today (and with all of your prayers, I know he's going to do well) I reminded him how far he's progressed in his reading alone....and he is keeping up with other students that he looked up to and thought he would never be able to be on their level. I know he is so proud of his accomplishments.

I realize that I have had Elliott's entire life to watch him learn, adapt and recognize when he progresses and regresses...My role as his mom has not just been to love, care and provide...but to try and figure out what can we do or try, how can we adapt to better assist him, and how can we help him rise up to meet the challenges when no assistance can be found (or will work)...I am so thankful for our incredible support system, those of you who have a child that struggles with similar issues, and those that who seek to learn more and gain a deeper understanding of autism and how it impacts not only the child but the family unit as a whole.  I am hopeful that our school will continue to work and explore all the ways that an autistic student learns and how our standardized school testing was not created with an autistic child in mind.  In California they allow children to take a modified standardized test to those with disabilities.  I often push Elliott to do everything any other child can do, but recognize that these tests may not be something his mind can process when he sees something as important but is not what a typical child would identify.  It is my hopes that both kind of tests can be given to children with disabilities...they are different not less. In contrast, I think most students if they viewed the world through Elliott's eyes would gain a deeper perspective and respect for just how much harder they work just to have acceptance.  We are so blessed with friends that "get" Elliott and enjoy having play dates and get togethers.  This support system of friends in school is part of the reason Elliott tries so hard, he wants to be just like them, though all the while he knows he is different.  We all just want to be accepted for who we are, we all think differently, feel things differently, experience the would differently...Life is constantly testing us all, we are going to make mistakes, we are going to have our apple cart overturned, we will experience times of smooth sailing, and times when we feel we are in a rut.  The world would be a better place if more would gain an understanding and awareness that it's ok to be different, it doesn't make us less.  After all, we are all just like Elliott, we just want to be accepted and loved for who we are.   And when we find that, we are truly blessed.  Thank you for your love and acceptance <3

Day 30: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Spring

And Spring arose on the garden fair, Like the Spirit of Love felt everywhere; And each flower and herb on Earth's dark breast Rose from the dreams of its wintry rest - Percy Bysshe Shelley ♥ Happy Spring....even if the weather is taking its time in warming up, I am loving the new sprouts shooting up from the ground and the roses newly formed leaves unfurling! I dread the pollen that is already falling, leaving the neon dust coating on everything is sees...I am hoping the weekend rain will was the worst of the pollen away! It will be a few weeks before we will know if the snow and ice from this winter damaged the return of the perennials and the plants that survive our mild winters. I am loving the longer days and the outdoor/backyard fun...No matter the weather, Spring has Sprung!

 I love this time of year.  I long to dig in the soil and plant new flowers, shrubs and add to our landscape. To watch the yard transform from it's barren pallete into a kaleidoscope of colors.  It's as if its when the new year starts, when life begins again, when hope returns to bring life into things that have laid dormant all winter. This is a time for new beginnings...to remap and change our landscapes.  Some may plant annuals, some may plant perennials....some have favorite flowers that they adore and must have in their garden. My favorite flower off all time is a wild orchid, the Pink Lady Slipper.  It grows under pines and shaded areas.  I first saw one in a trail behind my Grandmothers house that lead to a place we called the Sheep Rock.  We often walked back there many a summer's day, to climb the tall rock structure, to steal some fools gold from the creek below and think that we were bringing home treasure.  The imaginations we had and the stories we created along the pathway in the woods.  When I saw this delicate flower that looked like it was a ballerina slipper and I was captivated by it.  I wanted to grow these at my parents house, and I carefully dug it up and brought it home.  I planted it in our front yard, but it soon shriveled up and died. I was devastated, and then began to research this plant to learn more about it.  I discovered it is not a plant that you can transplant, it grows where it wants to and where it is meant to.  It is a wild orchid, it comes each year during spring and only stays a short time, yet can live for over 20 years!  It can only grow if a certain fungus helps supply food to the seed inside the orchid.  If a bee comes along, it becomes trapped and finding it's only way out, will leave pollen behind.  It is a rare and delicate flower, and every time I see one I am taken back to those carefree days of running along a wooded path with my cousins, or my dogs.  I remember walking the path and it seemed as if it was endless....If memory serves me right, there was a spot in that you could go left or right...one was longer the other considered shorter but windier.  We often would split up and race to see who would reach the point where the two trails would merge.  Then you'd come to an opening and you could turn left to go climbing the rock or right to head toward the creek.  It was our own secret fort, though others soon found it from the opposite side.  Taking the path back home the thick forest seemed to close in at times and you wondered if you'd ever see the light leading home.  But we stayed on the path, trusting and hopeful until we saw the opening that meant we had made it.  I can close my eyes and in an instant I can hear the earth crackle and pop as I am running down the path.  The carefree spirit of spring, to make us feel young and reborn again.   Yes, spring has come, and the flowers will be planted, the warm weather will bring barbecues and backyard fun....And as wild and as rare as my favorite flower, the promise of hope surfaces.  In the spring we find the strength to push through whatever it is that has kept up held down, to rise up from things that we have no control over, to grow with the changes and find ourselves surrounded by the most beautiful and faithful flowers in our garden....seedlings rise up and take hold, and the birds begin to sing the song of new beginnings.  What is growing in our garden, what will you focus on, cultivate and nurture this spring?

Day 29: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Imperfection

Day 29: Breathe, Seek, Play....Imperfection. “Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.” ― Gerard Way.

Elliott has struggled with his benchmark tests at school. He understands the concepts but cannot seem to score high enough on the tests. He's been given three tests and the scores have fluctuated with no rhyme or reason. As his parent, biggest cheerleader and advocate, I am not looking for perfection...I am looking as to ways to help him. That has been one of my biggest jobs ever. I am more on top of his school work and tests than I ever planned to be. It has made me a better parent, it has made me appreciate the educators more, and it has helped me to understand more of how Elliott views things. It is trial and error...sometimes more trials over things when we can't seem to find a rhyme or a reason. There are days when you wish there was manual you could just flip to page 52 and find the answer at any given dilemma. But there isn't, parenting doesn't come with a "how to" book...we all just do the very best we can. We hope we aren't screwing up, we fuss, we cry, we cheer, we sigh...we give it everything we've got and hope that we are providing for our little ones every need. Tonight was no exception, I joke all the time that I am surprised I am not bald....Elliott can be very challenging at times...the pull your hair out kind. He also can be the sweetest most caring and loving child, who is trying so very hard to fit in...in a world that he feels he doesn't measure up. He is sensitive, tenderhearted and feels things most of us never imagined. He is perfectly imperfect. He can be challenging and his struggles have molded me to be his greatest advocate. I will go to battle for anything he needs. From the moment he was diagnosed with PDD NOS, I said I am not knocking on doors for answers I am knocking down walls. I am a mover and shaker when it comes to my children. If they need something and it can be done, then I will find a way. They realize consequences come when they do not follow rules, but they do not understand when they are punished for someone else's behavior. You know, like in school...when one kids acts up the entire class is held accountable. Elliott struggles with this, why is he punished when he did nothing wrong. This is something that is difficult for him to comprehend. How much he wants to be accepted. How much he wants to fit it in. But tonight we had one of those Oprah "Ah HA" moments. We went over his benchmark tests from the first and second time he took them. This was the math version. I covered the answers and he selected each one...and he did amazing. We talked about his wrong answers. He shared how difficult it was for him to do "math" on the computer and that he could figure out the answer the questions on paper. I feel a wave of relief....WE have discovered what could potentially save him from feelings of failure in future tests. He also shared he'd like to take the test by himself as he feels it will help him. This perfectly "simple" solution sat beneath our noses, our schools faculty noses the entire time....his scores were not reflecting what he knew, but his voice could not express what would help him. So much trial, repetition, and uncertainty were lifted when he finally spoke those words. When he said "this helps me".....it is huge. In his imperfect scores we discovered how to better help him with future tests. You know it's funny that autism speaks has the symbol of a puzzle piece. How many times do you pick up a piece and turn it this way, and that way, and try to make it fit. Sometimes the pieces do not fit at first, sometimes you have to look for ways they can fit together. Then sometimes when you step back for a moment, you pick up a piece and it just "fits". It doesn't matter to me if all of Elliott's pieces do not fit, or if his puzzle is ever complete, the joy comes when we just find the pieces that connect...and we build from that and I find we are creating something perfectly imperfect!

 

Day 28: Breathe, Seek, Play......Scrapbooking

Oh dear me, I have been under the siege of photos and getting them into albums that I have an array of older photographs and reprints which needed to be showcased in such a way that a mere photo album could not....so another Scrapbook was born.  I haven't made a scrabook since my wedding.  And it was a very nontraditional scrapbook by today's scrapbookers point of view....it was a typical young girl scrapbook with magazine cutouts and some fancy scissor cuts..but it my prewedding/wedding scrapbook and it is as big as my wedding album. I have to say how much I enjoyed making it and cutting out and planning all the pages, and gluing mementos throughout.  Today's scrapbook was a premade one, wow was it easy....just add your pictures and write and viola, it is a mini masterpiece.  I am working on a scrapbook of my father's family.  I have a array of photos from a CD my sister and I made of pictures when my grandmother passed.  There are so many relatives, aged photos restored, stories that they carried, and now they have a special album that will be passed along for generations to come.  At one point the boys came in and Elliott say a picture and he said "I know who this is, this is PawPaw" and I told him no, that is my grandfather, we called him "Buster".  He said "Wow, they really look the same". I told him yes they do, and how his PawPaw looked like his grandfather and showed him a picture (but it was a younger version, not one that Elliott remembers of his PawPaw).  Cooper came in and enjoyed seeing the school pictures of his PawPaw wearing a tie and one of him wearing a bow tie. I affixed each picture, remembering and honoring each relative...the memories that each new picture brought.  Soon I will add the details with the pictures, words to captivate and let my children know who their ancestors are, and some memories I hope to pass along.  It's been over 17 years since I've made a scrapbook, and I can't tell you how much joy making this one has been.  I have three more (as I have tons of photos that one cannot hold them all).  Luckily, I grabbed three of them on sale at Ross with some fancy scrapbook paper...and I had to purchase some photo corners from ACE Moore.  I still have one yet to do for my boys (and their baby books still to complete) YIKES, they are almost ten...don't judge, I had good intentions and lack of time to take on the task.  This may all change as I am motivated more than ever to get my photo's in albums and how much fun I've found in making this latest scrapbook.  My pictures, albums and scrapbooks are the most treasured material things I own.  This is my job, this is my mission...a job that brings me pure joy!  Harold B. Lee once said "The most important of the Lord's work you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home.”  I am so blessed that I am working within the walls of my home, and I pray everyday that one day my children will look back, remember and see a story of trials, triumphs, sorrows, happiness, seeing things in black and what and seeing things full of color as they turn the pages and create their own scrapbook.  May they see a story of hope, one that inspires, one that is fully of love....a collection of memories, a life lived out loud, enjoyed in the moment, captured forever...pressed not only on the pages...but in my heart.  

Our Children Teach Us What Life Is All About

We think we shape them into who they will be. We think we teach them about life and love. We think we give them guidance and support. Yet anyone that has ever been around a child knows the following to be true. They teach us patience when we thought we had none left to give. They teach us love with a hug after being in trouble. They teach us accountability by doing what we do not what we say. They teach us the value of the hour, a day or a year by changing and growing so quickly. They shape our hearts, expand our minds, unleash our dreams and enable us to grow more than we ever imagined. We think we teach them, but over time we all learn it is the young ones that teach us......Our children and our "inner child" make us more aware of what is really important in life......"Life begins as a quest of the child for the man, and ends as a journey by the man to rediscover the child." —Sam Ewing— Happy Monday...

Day 27: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Luck

We spent the day on Emerald Isle celebrating St. Patrick's Day.  The luck of the Irish was upon us...beautiful weather, wonderful crowd, great music, ice cream and food, vendors selling a variety of items and carnival rides.  We walked from our beach condo to the festival and spent 2 hours this afternoon enjoying the sights, sounds and smells....funny how funnel cake goes hand in hand with a festival...love that smell!  We talked along the way as we walked to festival, about the traps they were going to set for the Leprechaun tonight.  Elliott says he hates, hates, hates Leprechaun Day and he hopes tonight we get a nice one. He is worried that his pot of gold at home is in jeopardy, but I assured him that the Leprechaun will only come to the home he is sleeping at tonight.  He wasn't taking any chances, he specifically said he has to wear something green to bed.  I love this "magical" time with my boys...and realize how very lucky and blessed I am to be their mom.  The luck of the Irish, some say it actually means "bad luck", some say "This isn't luck at all, but more of an attitude, a positive look at a bad situation", some say it means " to be able to land on their feet when bad circumstances occur", whatever it may mean...I know we have many Irish eyes smiling in Heaven and we celebrate our Irish heritage and take special celebration in honoring them....they were mischievous, they were full of luck, and they had hearts of gold.....

After the movie 

I was about to doze off to sleep 

when I thought I heard some strange noises

that I started to peak. 

A flash of green glittered 

across the room,

sounds of little footsteps 

were beginning to loom.

I heard the closet open,

and things tossed all around.

I covered my head

and made not  sound.

I heard something like giggles,

and mischievous sounds.

What is happening in here,

what will tomorrow be found?

I took a quick glance,

and caught a stray rainbow.

It was colorful to see,

and I wanted to follow.

Would under the colors, 

a pot of gold I find?

As they colors fell down

My luck I resigned.

I saw my true treasure,

lying softly asleep.

As luck would soon have it

it's my heart they do keep.

It's an Irish tale 

Leprechauns guide the forlorn,

leading me to

my very own twinborn.

No matter the mess, 

that greets us the next day

The pot of gold I've found,

will last for always!

Day 26: Breathe, Seek, Play......Beach

The beach really does make everything better.  We've had a rough week, with colds, allergies, and Elliott has been having his IEP evaluations and today was the Language Arts Benchmark test for the nine weeks.  He didn't do as well as he did on his previous test and now is worried about the EOG's at the end of the year (afraid he will not pass). I found out all of this when I went to eat lunch with him today.  I hugged him and told him everything would be ok, and he told me that he didn't want to talk about it that he was hungry (he didn't get to eat his snack because of the IEP evaluation today) and he said he just wanted to eat.  When I picked him up from school he was in tears.  I thought how much more can his little heart take.  I asked what was wrong and he said he got mud on him at the playground.  He went to get a basketball and slipped in the mud and had it all over his shirt and pants.  He said was so embarrassed.  I told him we'd change as soon as we got home.  I told him that we'd go swimming at the pool tonight and he smiled but quickly the tears started to come.  When we got home, he changed his clothes but his sullen mood was still there.  We packed up the car to head to the beach, our go to Happy Place, or better known as My Whit's End.  We stopped for our Friday night Little Caesars pizza and ate on the drive down.  They were enjoying the pizza and playing games on their ipad and nexus 7....he was smiling, happy that he was breaking high scores on Royal Revolt.  My heart lifted as I myself thought I'd be in tears with him, as nothing none of us could do anything to make him smile this afternoon.  When we cross the bridge to our island it feels as if we escape from everything...it's such a great feeling to leave it all behind.   It's as if you get sucked into a happy bubble and the worries and stresses are left behind....and after today we needed it.  We arrived at our condo and quickly unpacked.  We walked to the board walk to see the HUGE pipes on the beach.  They are dredging for beach nourishment and our ramp and stairway have been taped off with caution.  We saw a worker and asked how much longer they'd be and he yelled up at least 3 to 4 more days.  Elliott sighed, we won't be able to play on the beach.  I had to act fast and said lets go to Food Lion and get some ice cream (and at this point I knew I'd need some wine).  He picked out his favorite kind of ice cream and as soon as we made it into the condo he wanted one. After the ice cream we went to the pool and enjoyed a quick swim and played with dive sticks.  Cooper said how he doesn't feel like his cold is bothering him anymore.  And my allergy symptoms are pretty much gone.  Tomorrow is the St. Patrick's Day Festival here on Emerald Isle, over 20,000 people are expected...we plan to go and make the most of our beach weekend.  Tomorrow we may sneak out to take pictures early in the morning (or take a short drive to the public beach access or pier to take a few).  Whatever comes ahead, we are thankful for the beach does make everything better, it nourishes our souls....that's the best kind of beach nourishment!

Day 25: Breathe, Seek, Play.....Rest

Rest. Spring has sprung and pollen is in the air. It has had me under the weather for the past few days. Between the sneezing, blowing my nose, coughing and my voice going in and out....I realize that my body needs to rest. But as any mom knows, we seldom rest...we will work day and night getting things done, we are strong, and we are always taking care of everything for everyone. We always put ourselves last, even when we don't feel well. Sometimes we need to rest, but we never listen to our bodies, we just push ourselves to the point of exhaustion. We need Rest and Relaxation (not just relax because we are sick, because seriously even when we are sick we are as busy as ever). Sometimes we have to give ourselves permission to relax...tonight that is what I am going to focus on...REST...and hopefully I will feel well enough to RELAX this weekend at the beach (well, who am I kidding, I'll be down there spring cleaning our beach condo) but the RELAX will come during spring break! So let this be your get out of being a Mom card....you need to allow yourself the down time, whether you are sick or not....take time for yourself, take time to do the things you enjoy, and to just be still, there will still be dishes to wash, laundry to fold, rooms to dust and vacuum, meetings to go to, homework to check, bills to pay, dinner to cook...this is your time, so allow yourself to do something you enjoy (even if it means doing nothing at all). Stresses of life can be so overwhelming... John Lennon once said "time you enjoy wasting, is not wasted time". We could all write our top 10 lists of signs we need to take a break, but many of us will seldom take one...Mine would be something like this

10. When you stay in your pj's all day yet managed to run your entire household.

9. You push the envelope of time, because you know you can get the lunches made in 5 minutes but you have to have coffee and watch Matt Lauer and the Today show's morning news at 7AM.

8. You are exhausted, ready to call it a night after checking math, spelling and reviewing notes before and after dinner, but can stay up late to watch the Real Housewives of Wherever just to escape.

7. You make a list of things to get at the grocery store, and still manage to forget something on the list.

6. When you are talking to your kids and call them by their siblings name, even after you say their name right the first time.

5. When you eat a candy bar for lunch and drink a cup of coffee because you know you'll need the energy when the kids come home from school.

4. When you can move like a stealth ninja in the night getting things ready for the next day so you don't wake anyone. This usually happens after you lay down to go to sleep and suddenly remember all the things you need to do.

3. When you realize that the only adult conversation you've had is on facebook, or a phone call, or the random person who stands beside you in the checkout line at the store.

2. When you hear the alarm clock in the morning and your first thought as your arm flails instinctively to find the snooze button for those much needed FIVE MORE MINUTES

1. You say you are going to rest tonight and instead, write 10 reasons why you need to.

Note to self: Take a Time Out...Relax.

Day 24: Breathe, Seek, Play....Super Heroes

I Love you because..

I know how strong you are. You put my needs and feelings before anyone else’s, even your own. You don’t let the stares and hurtful remarks from other people when we are out at the store, a crowded restaurant or a playground get in the way of standing right beside me and helping me through those moments when I am overloaded and I’m having trouble coping. When I am kicking , screaming, biting and beating down against the floor because it has all got too much, I know everything is going to be okay because when I’m calmer, yours will be the first face I see. You are always there.

I Love you because.. 

I know how patient you are. You spend a lot of time waiting. Waiting for appointments, waiting on waiting lists to get an appointment, waiting to see improvement on a new method of treatment for me, waiting to see results for all the hard word and effort you put into making my life a little easier every day. You also wait for things like a smile, a hug or a fleeting glance of appreciation or those three little words to be spoken. Even when the day is done and you haven’t seen or felt or heard any of them, you will wait again because tomorrow is a brand new day.

I love you because.. 

I love you because I have Autism and you see this world through MY eyes, because you love me enough to see things differently and I love you enough to show you how.. ♥ 

By Fiona Goldsworthy

This is what I read on the not so good days of raising a child on the spectrum, the days where I want to make everything OK to take away his anxiety, frustration and sadness.  The days when he goes from one emotion to the polar opposite in a blink of an eye.   I would give anything to see the world through his eyes, to see what he sees, and to feel what he feels.  He is one very amazing little boy, and he has taught me far more than I could ever hope to teach him.  He has had lots of testing last week for AIG and STRIDE classes, the scores will not be available until June 1st.  Both boys are anxious about how they did on the tests.  Cooper was more anxious than Elliott, and we talked with them both about how they did their best and no matter what we are so very proud of them.  Elliott said he did not care if he got into the "gifted classes"  because he doesn't like to be pulled out of class for any of his IEP/504 assistance as he feels he is not with his class, he is different and not  part of the group.    He doesn't realize how gifted he already is, that one of many things I see clearly through his eyes.  He doesn't see all his talents,  he questions and worries about things that most kids do not even think about.  He doesn't realize he is my superhero.   Yes, I love him enough to see things differently and know he needs me to be his superhero. I realize his brother is part of this dynamic duo.  He has sat through countless appointments, meltdowns (though some he has assisted in the making)...he has been Elliott's biggest fan cheering him along the way.  He wears a protective cape and watches over his brother when I am not around.  He may not realize how much he has been a superhero to his brother, but I do.   They are more gifted than any test or special class could ever recognize.  No, they aren't faster than a speeding bullet, or more powerful than a locomotive,  or able to leap tall buildings in a single bound....but they are my supermen <3 

Day 23: Seek, Breathe, Play....Irony

Over the weekend, I received my letter stating the radiologist had viewed my scans and that they were happy to report they showed no signs of cancer.  Today I got  some lab work results from my yearly doctor visit.  Here is where the irony comes in, I have a Vitamin D deficiency.  The beach lover, the all sun all the time, summers and every possible weekend at the beach bum is not getting anything from the sun but a tan...I have to laugh because it is so ironic not just to me, but to so many who know me.  How is this possible?  Well, I set off to research how this could come about.  The main source of Vitamin D comes from being in the sun, though I discovered even though I spend a majority of my time in the sun the deficiency can result from wearing sunscreen, as it does prevent your body from absorbing enough Vitamin D (and I dare not go without my SPF).  Also, a diet that is rich in animal based foods like fish, fish liver oils, milk products and egg yolks helps increase Vitamin D in your system, something vegans and vegetarians may not get enough of (and I was a vegetarian for close to 10 years).  Then there is having naturally dark skin, which in the summer, with a tan, my skin is bronzed....having darker colored skin reduces your Vitamin D absorption.  Being overweight and having a high BMI (body mass index) also reduces your absorption of Vitamin D, and I am 10lbs over what I want to weigh but I feel I can cross that off the list as to a cause.  Then if you have kidney problems that could lead to a Vitamin D deficiency, which the other lab results indicated I did not have.  So I am to take a once a week prescribed high dose of Vitamin D for 12 weeks and then go on a Vitamin D and calcium over the counter dose at the end.  Ironic yes, I bask in the sun all summer and yet still cannot get the best benefit it has to offer...Vitamin D deficiency could lead to cardiovascular disease, cognitive impairments and cancer...and by taking supplements or absorbing it naturally you can prevent types of diabetes, high blood pressure and multiple sclerosis.  This led me to think about how many times in life ironic things occur.  The ancient Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, tells us that "the way up and the way down are one and the same."  What does that mean?  Such a contradiction, but sometimes in life both positive and negative realities are needed in order for harmony to exist.  When things happen in life that are completely opposite than what we expected; when things happen in life you can truly appreciate the ups because you have fallen down, isn't it ironic?

You cannot say to the sun, "More sun." Or to the rain, "Less rain."  And yet, to learn kindness after so much unkindness, to understand that a little girl with more courage than she knew, would find her prayers were answered, can that not be called happiness? After all these are not the memoirs of an empress, nor of a queen. These are memoirs of another kind. ~ Memoirs of a Geisha

Day 22: Breathe, Seek, Play....Home

A picture is worth a thousand words...in this case, it speaks volumes....This picture hangs in the foyer of our home.  Simply put, when you are focusing on what is important...the blessings you enjoy are multiplied and home is where your story begins!

Day 21: Breathe, Seek, Play....Lost and Found

It's Daylight Saving Time.  Tonight we jump ahead and lose an hour of sleep.  Studies have shown it can take up to a week for one to recover from losing this one hour of sleep.  I have often said that I do not like the spring forward, and fall back...I love the long days and dread the entire clock change in the fall.  I am looking forward to spring and realize that this year, I am not losing anything...not even an hour.  Tonight we watched Soul Surfer (again).  Such a beautiful movie with a powerful yet tender message....Bethany at one point is distraught and talking to her father about why did she have to lose everything.  Her fathers reply "You didn't lose everything Bethany, not even close. That shark didn’t kill you, you’re here, you’re alive, you have your family."  Sometimes you feel like you get knocked down in life and tossed like in a wave not knowing which way is up. “Life is a lot like surfing.  When you get caught in that impact zone, you need to get right back up because you never know what’s over the next wave."  You feel lost, sucked in the backwash, scrambling to get your head to the surface.  Sometimes in life, I think you have to be 'lost' in order to be found.  So tonight, when you are turning you clocks up an hour...think of all the things you've gained and what you have found in your "hour" this year!

Day 20: Breathe, Seek, Play...Making Your Mark

I have many captured art work treasures of handprints, and footprints...various sizes at various ages from my precious boys. Some are in the shapes of crabs, a reindeer and a footrprint of  duck...some I've framed and hung on the wall, and some are in a pile to scrapbook.   How fast they grow up...It feels like I just brought them home and I blinked and this year they are going to be ten!  From the moment they were born they took my breath away.  How much their ten fingers and ten toes grew, looking at their little shoes and the size 4 they wear now...the more they grow the more love fills up my heart.  I look at their room, which hasn't changed much since we've moved here, other than their beds and toys.  The Noah's Ark Artwork that hung in their nursery still hangs on their walls today. Their bedspreads changed from Noah's Ark to a Jungle Quilt.  Like their handprints and footprints it is growing with them.   I used to scrub the walls, clean the crayons, matchbox cars, or whatever they used to mark up the walls.  In their room, I scrubbed so hard that I found out the "squirrel tail" was not the original paint color.  Under it was a pale yellow and then I found pink!  It was the room color the original owners had chosen for their twin girls that once lived here and then their brother took over their room after they left for college.   For many years, I was OCD about cleaning and picking up after them.  They too love to keep their room tidy and neat and no longer scratch up the walls, but they do leave their handprints all over the stairway, by the back door where they take off their shoes, in the doorways where they swing  and fly into the kitchen....it is where they have left their mark. Thomas S. Monson said “Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future…If you are still in the process of raising children be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled, will disappear all too soon, and that you will, to your surprise, miss them, profoundly.”  ♥ I have chose to focus on the marks they are making and the love we are creating, that is what really takes my breath away.  I know as they grow they will continue to leave their marks on the world, whether it is a wall, or a doorway, in school, or at work....They may fade away over time, end eventually will be gone...but the Handprints they leave on my heart forever will live on!

Day 19: Breathe, Seek, Play....Roller Coasters

Today was one of those days that you just want to clone...no meltdowns, no whining, smooth sailing and easy going.  It's one of those day when nothing spectacular happened but was that is what makes it wonderful....these are the days when I will not kid you, I think back to what did we eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner...how can we recreate another day like this?  It's not a normal for us to have a day without chaos....so in a way today was spectacular!  I think the days that we have grown used to our imperfections that we almost want to throw a party to celebrate days like today. But the truth is our lives run on a roller coaster, there are ups and downs, twists and turns, and loop de loops....and we are used to that...And today was a merry go round...nice and easy, ups and downs, happy go lucky. It was a nice change from the normal!  Sometimes it's a breath of fresh air to get off the roller coaster once in awhile...because I know tomorrow we'll here the announcement overhead "pull down on the lap bar, keep your hands inside the vehicle at all times and enjoy your ride"....and who listens to that?  We all throw are hands up in the air and scream at the top of our lungs....and hope the safety bar will hold us in during the ride....Do you remember your first time on a roller coaster? Mine was the Rebel Yell at Kings Dominion.   The clickety clack of the track as the wooden cars climbed up what seemed like a mountain, only to plunge full force down a steep sloop leaving your stomach somewhere hanging in hopes you'll catch it! SWOOSH, and hair pin turns, left then right, so fast and unpredictable,thrilling and scary, not knowing when it was going to end.   Life is sometimes like that...It reminds me of the grandmother from the movie Parenthood...as she is talking to her son as he is complaining of a complicated life...she tells him "You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."  Grandma is right...as much as I love today's Merry Go Round...I'd rather be on the roller coaster.  There is something wonderful and comforting about the Roller Coaster.  Hunter Thompson sums it up best "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!”  

Day 18: Breathe, Seek, Play....Read

 At the beginning of the year, we started off reading books at night together. I curl up on the bed and read a chapter or two each night to my little men. I've always enjoyed reading to them, and we usually read a short story, one of our picture books that I hope they will one day read to their children...but this year we started something new, reading chapter books, mostly classics, but finding books with meaning that we'd all enjoy reading, a family book. We started the year off with Charlotte's Web....and I cannot tell you the depth of emotion in reading a classic and watching the boys anticipate each turn of the page. I was so thankful that now we could read books that I would love to read again and we've  looked forward to picking out a new book to read once we finished. We've enjoyed so many books together and sometimes reading them with the boys it is as if I am reading it again for the very first time....seeing how  they embrace the story and the questions they ask, the way they pull their covers up entranced as if under the spell of the book we have chosen to read. Currently, we are reading Chasing Mavericks and the boys are so excited that they race up to bed each night and beg me to read one chapter more. They can't wait for me to finish the book so they can see the movie. My favorite part is sitting on their beds, reading them a story and hearing them giggle at the funny parts, ask questions when they don't understand, and their eyes dancing with images as if the words I am reading have found their way to the big screen in their mind. I steal these moments as I read, seeing their wide eyes darting....These are the moments that I will hold onto, and focus on....the late night snuggles, the pleas to have me read "just one more chapter"...I cherish these times. They say that children are made readers in the laps of their parents...I think that dreamers are made in the stories we share just before bedtime. I don't think there is a better way to end the night, becoming a child again getting lost in a book, a chapter read that makes your mind fill with wonder of what will happen next, ending with prayers with a snuggly kiss. "All children, except one, grow up. They soon know that they will grow up, and the way Wendy knew was this. One day when she was two years old she was playing in a garden, and she plucked another flower and ran with it to her mother. I suppose she must have looked rather delightful, for Mrs. Darling put her hand to her heart and cried, "Oh, why can't you remain like this for ever!" I think in many ways some of us are blessed and hold on to the Peter Pan syndrome....some of us never grow up, or at best we keep the spirit of a childlike heart alive, and in the bedtime stories we read to our children we hope to pass that gift along....Goodnight Neverland ♥